Or you might even realize that while you like being tied down (bondage), you don't particularly enjoy going under the whip (discipline). You might discover, for example, that you're naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both. Your experience doesn't have to involve all three categories, or even both roles within a category. Most people who engage in sadism or masochism enjoy a sense of empowerment from enduring something difficult. Remember: This is pleasurable and one of the safest forms of sex because of the significant amount of work put into boundary-setting and open communication. The sadist enjoys inflicting pain on someone else, while the masochist enjoys receiving pain.
Sadism and masochism: The acts of sadism and masochism are performed by people who derive pleasure from pain. For some, the roles are full-time (including outside the bedroom), while for others, the roles are only taken on at predetermined times of erotic encounter. Dominance and submission can be emotional, physical, or both, and the dynamic can be played out in sexual acts-or through acts of being in control/acts of service. Dominance and submission: This describes the practice of giving power or control (submission) to another who then takes it (dominance). Discipline is almost always present in the relationship between a dominant partner and a submissive one. Discipline is the practice of training a “submissive” to obey, follow rules, or perform certain acts. Having another person control your pleasure is central here, and it can involve props such as handcuffs, ropes, blindfolds, or a range of restraints. Bondage and discipline: Bondage is a form of sex play that focuses on restraint. Richmond recommends reading up on BDSM, taking a class to learn about moves and scenarios you can play out with your partner, and bringing in a sex therapist if need be, so that you can figure out what your version of the practice looks like.īut to get a better grasp on what each of three categories mean, here's a quick primer, from Richmond: As it should.īesides oftentimes being inaccurate, the portrayals of BDSM you've seen in film (or porn) are probably not going to work for you (they tend to be a tad.extreme). “Don’t assume that you can dive in head-first and re-enact a scene from a film or erotic novel without preparation, education, or experience.”īelow is everything you need to know if you’re thinking about trying your hand at BDSM so that the sexual encounter will leave you pleasured and empowered. “Because BDSM can include activities that are new, intimidating, and risky, you need to proceed with care and caution,” she says. Instead, as a beginner, you'll want to take things slowly until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner(s), since someone else's methods won't necessarily get you going.Īlso, keep in mind BDSM can take a little prep work, says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the Podcast. And though the practice typically does involve props, they don't make an appearance right off the bat. If you’re a BDSM beginner, it can be tough to imagine BDSM as anything but a Red Room (thanks, Fifty Shades) with chains and whips to excite you (à la Rihanna). “You’re able to use your imagination, create a scene, role play, and tap into themes that are interesting like submission and domination.” “I like to call it ‘power play’ because, to me, that is at the heart of BDSM,” says sex expert Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First. 
Or on the flip side, if you're the one who likes to do the controlling, you get to call the shots for once. BDSM offers a world of freedom to play, experiment, and allow someone else to take the reins-at your consent.
Think about it: Your work schedule, rent payments, and (ugh) taxes are all set by external forces. “So much of our life is controlled, so for a lot of people, it's nice to be let off the hook," Richmond explains. They might each sound scary in their own right, but because they rely on a judgement-free zone where communication about your desires and boundaries come first, BDSM can actually be the safest (and most fun) kind of sex you can have, says Holly Richmond, PhD, a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist. But it's important for beginners to understand that it’s actually none of those things.Īt its most basic, BDSM is an umbrella term for three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (more details on those in a minute). The sex practice is often accused of being physically or mentally harmful, something that only survivors of abuse embrace, or abnormally kinky. Few things in life are as misunderstood as BDSM.
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